What not to wear

It's a very dangerous show. I watched one episode of What Not to Wear last week and became absolutely convinced that I needed to go out and buy something new. Really, I should go out and buy everything new, but I was going to settle for a good pair of jeans. Jeans...possibly the clothing item with the highest degree of difficulty. It's reaching the critical stage. I have only a single pair that sort of fits if by "fits" you mean "fits tightly" unless you just took it out of the dryer and then even "fits tightly" is in jeopardy.

As I tried on pair after pair, I determined that hell might consist of a tiny, heated room covered in mirrors where you are forced to try on jeans. Forever. It's a frightening thought. Honestly, if they look that bad on the hanger, imagine what they looked like from behind. I may never leave my house again.

I went to the mall, people. I couldn't even remember the last time I set foot in a mall. I just remembered that it was hot. And it wasn't the last time it was hot.

And I didn't buy a single pair. In fact, I didn't buy a single thing of any type. I really needed Clinton and Stacy to take my hand. I realized I was on the verge of the breakdown that almost everyone has on the show when they try to buy jeans and dropped everything and left the fourth store I entered. I got in my car and drove myself home, new jeans-less.

Somebody, anybody...please nominate me, 'mkay? I have plenty o' stuff that could be ridiculed and tossed into a garbage can and a fresh start with a professional opinion could be nice.